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Secret Agent Man

Nikita Leksanov, Grade 12, Staff Writer


In an astonishing revelation that has rocked the hallowed hall of the High School of American Studies at Lehman College, sources have confirmed that Principal Shmallessandro Weiss is, in fact, a double agent working for our notorious rival, Bronx High School of Science.

According to insider information, Principal Weiss has been meticulously working to undermine the very fabric of HSAS’s esteemed academic environment. His methods? Common Sense reports that 87% of students say are “ingenious”. One might wonder how such espionage could go unnoticed, but the devil, as they say, is in the details.

The first clue came when students noticed an increase in the complexity of the school's hallway layout. What was once a straightforward path to class has now become a labyrinthine puzzle, with turns and twists, designed to disorient and confuse. "I used to make it to class in under three minutes. Now, I need a compass, a map, and a sherpa," remarked Shmisna Shmande, a Senior known for his punctuality.

The purpose behind this? To slow down the pace of learning and ensure that students from the High School of American Studies arrive perpetually late to class, thereby diminishing their academic performance, when compared to Bronx Science. "It's genius, really," said Shmavid Shmirom, a self-proclaimed hallway conspiracy theorist. "Late students equal panicked studying, which equals a lower GPA. It's all part of Principal Weiss's grand scheme."

Nevertheless, the hallways were just the beginning. Principal Weiss’s master plan also involved a heavy emphasis on history lessons. While this might seem innocuous at first glance, sources suggest a more sinister motive: to distract students from excelling in the sciences, giving Bronx Science students a competitive edge in STEM fields.

"I thought it was odd we started analyzing the dental habits of second-grade historical figures," noted Shmachlan Shmessler, a freshman. "But if it's all part of a plot to make us less science-savvy, I guess it makes sense. Sort of."

Despite these shocking developments, the school spirit remains unbroken. In fact, many have taken the revelation in stride, seeing it as an opportunity to band together and outsmart their unwitting saboteur.

Principal Weiss, when approached for comment, responded with a sly wink and a cryptic, "No comment." However, anonymous sources close to him suggest to Common Sense that he's been thoroughly enjoying the role of a double agent, going so far as to practice his villainous laugh in the mirror every morning.

Mr. Weiss looks North


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