Jay May-Fox, Grade ?, Staff Writer
In a 2022 survey, it was found that 97% of HSAS students have trouble getting homework done due to the sheer amount that is piled on by certain history teachers. The other 3% cite emergency surgery or death of a family member as their roadblock on the highway of education.
Never fear, students! Your homework is, in fact, doable: on November 31st, 1977, an HSAS student by the name of Elbert Ebo once managed to get all his work done before midnight. His name is still engraved into the wall of the school; if you go into the garden and bend down at an awkward enough angle, you can see it for yourself!
We talked to Mr. Ebo and gathered 10 tips and tricks for getting at least three hours of sleep to help our anxious, burnt-out students.
Skip first period in order to sleep in.
Cry.
Get down on your knees and beg your teacher to push that exam back.
Throw your computer out the window.
Hack into the school mainframe and change your grades.
Clone yourself.
Plug your brain into your computer so that your thoughts immediately translate into writing.
Hire a demon to possess your teacher and delete all assignments from Google Classroom.
Inject yourself with polonium.
Drop out.
Mr. Ebo himself says he’s partial to numbers 5 and 9, and recommends them for your personal use. He thanks Common Nonsense for having him and states that he hopes his tips can help people studying for the Regents, overwhelmed freshmen, and juniors in AP World.